Archive for the Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic Category

Feeling blue

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on September 7, 2010 by jiunnli

re·sent·ful/riˈzentfəl/

Adjective: Feeling or expressing bitterness or indignation at having been treated unfairly.

I am amazed I can still be upset with a certain person. Maybe I am feeling abit resentful without being aware of it.

Yes, I am still very upset with you but I am upset with myself more.

When our hopes are sorely tested

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic, My God, my all on November 16, 2009 by jiunnli

It began to rain. It rained and it rained.

‘Is it going to rain all day?’

I asked myself as I looked outside while thinking of how stupid one can get for doing their laundry on a rainy day. The initial thunders and lightning weren’t going to prevent me from completing my task. Stupidity  has always been intrinsically linked to stubbornness.

Anway, the rain became more insistent and so was my feeling turning as gray as the clouds could get. I look out the window again and a pout decorated my face.

It is official, I am mildly depressed.

I suspect this has got very little to do with my finals which is starting tomorrow.

Church was good last weekend. I always loved stories about Sarah and Abraham and how God has gone out to test their faith. When our hopes are sorely tested as theirs were, would we run the risk of becoming indifferent? I am already beginning to feel like that.

I took some time off to deviate myself from all the examination stress. One could tell I don’t deal with stress all that well. On this rainy day, once again I shamelessly go to God, telling Him how I feel and how things are on my side. Not that He doesn’t know, in fact he knows exactly how I am feeling, even better than myself.

Tired, sad and depressed,  I resigned to my old self. I was determined at some point that I’ll never come out from this vicious cycle. It somehow doesn’t matter anymore if God was to answer my prayer. But to my credit, I really do trust in Him.

I am just not good with this whole ‘timing’ thing. My problem is the constant unwillingness to wait for God. This really frustrates me as each second passes. Am i willing to relinquish my request, removing my will out of the agenda and allow God to work in my life?

“God is always on time!” I gave up as I let out a loud sigh. There is this deep nagging feeling telling me that it was worth every minute of the wait. Why worry about tomorrow when you faith is on solid rock?

Such a foolish and useless endeavour, don’t you think?

“I am thankful for the rain” I mumbled as I smile to myself on the way out of my house, couple of rain drops drizzled in my eyes and got my pretty hair wet. A few raindrops wouldn’t hurt anyone. I was predictably feeling better again.

It is not too late

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on November 5, 2009 by jiunnli

Massive headache.

Nothing new to me. The pain is so bad that I can hardly close my eyes and go to bed with it. Had to pop two panadols and go online while waiting for the drugs to work. Not that I have trouble sleeping these days but I once had a taste of insomnia and gosh, its torture!

Someone called me evil. Maybe I am. I can be blunt at times. Thats because I wasn’t always careful with the words i use hence causing others to feel that I can be quite quarrelsome. I am straight-forward. Never wanting to beat around the bushes in order to get what I want but ended up causing others to get upset. I am quick to decide. In other words, I may appear to be very domineering hence causing me to feel like a tyrant.

Evil. Blunt. Quarrelsome. Straight-forward. Quick to decide. Domineering.

I know what I want.

I can be quite handful.

I sometimes wish I am somewhat different.

Its a journey.

I need to get going.

I need my milk and oreo.

and maybe House.

Rude Awakening

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on August 30, 2009 by jiunnli

Jiunnli,

You are making a competition out of everyones pain, everyone has their burdens, and an eerily amount  of pain and heart break – yours is no greater than a strangers. Being young doesnt make you any less susceptible to pain, and having experienced alot of pain in your life doesnt make things less fair to you.  I’m sorry to be harsh, but stop feeling sorry for yourself, and thinking that you have somehow had it harder than everyone else and why din things go according to what you have planned.  You once lost the meaning of what life is and how love feels but I am glad you are back on your feet letting nothing hinders you.

Enjoy the sun, feel the rain, smell the flowers. Do something productive, invest in things, invest in life and though you’ve had your fair share of investment in people that causes you to  finally decided that you don’t wanna have any emotional attachment with them. . .but always remember . . . God holds His people close to His heart, just like how he has always held you dearly to his.

love,

Yourself

I now understand what you mean when you said you had a bittersweet weekend because i just experienced one.

(inspired by a letter)

A promise is a promise

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic, My God, my all on July 31, 2009 by jiunnli

Romans 3:3

“True, some of them were unfaithful; but just because they broke their promises, does that mean God will break His promises? Of course not! Though everyone in the world is a liar, God is true’.

So many had recently ask me about my life’s direction. Do i look like I am lost or something??heehee! I probably gave them a satisfactory answer because I feel my answers are perfectly crafted out and it spells out nothing but amazing.  Deep down, it is my truest desire nonetheless if you were one of them who asked. Sometimes I also  feel like going away just like that (without graduating), leaving everything behind and go to a place where I can do all the things i love. without a hint of responsibility. However, the thought of hurting my parents stop me from fantasizing further. I thank God nevertheless for he sees the desires of our heart and i know at least someone is interested in my desires as well. It may not be part of His will for me but I would really consider this a privilege where I am given the freedom to think about where i wanna go away next time, to a place where they have beautiful green parks just for me to roll around =)

Everything will be made beautiful in His time =)

Tonight is quite a difficult night for me. As i sit here looking back at my computer screen, there is this pain in me that i would feel occasionally but tonight, i let it linger abit longer than usual before i finally shut it off.

I must avoid thinking of going away each time I’m put in a difficulty. Our God is a faithful and i am no coward.

Our fulfillment should come when God is glorified, not when we are glorified.

Our joy should come when God’s purposes are met, not when our purposes are met.

I brought this upon myself but I know God has my back. I am going to be fine =)

Something about you, makes me smile =)

Treasure where??

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on June 2, 2009 by jiunnli

I needed to rant again. Its 2am in the morning and i can’t find my way to my bed. Sweetest sadness, yeah, thats how i am feeling exactly. Can’t really describe but i guess i am just tired. So many things on my mind and they weren’t exactly kind to me. Again, all these are self-inflicted. But don’t worry, you ppl have known me as a strong girl and I’ve proven myself over and over again. I’ll finally learn that i need to stop trying so hard because really, its all meaningless at the end of the day.

I really hope i’ll find life’s real treasure hidden beneath all these heartaches and disappointments.

Like they said, whatever doesn’t kill you really does make you stronger.

Gawd, i am so sensitive and emotional.

the end of the end

Posted in books and more books, Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on May 24, 2009 by jiunnli

I don’t know what sort of day i went through today.I just know we were food deprived and Ikea meatballs came to the rescue.

dessert! Dain cake and choc muffin

We also had some desserts! Dain cake and choc muffin.

But there was definitely also a case of sleep depravity. My back hurts so badly because of the amount of time i knelt by my bed.  Just when i was about to lie down and close my eyes, my alarm began to rang. I can’t remember when was the last time that i woke up with so much mixed emotions. And after what happened last night, i struggled desperately within my might to shut off all incoming thoughts the moment i was conscious.  Silly me thinking that 3 hours of sleep are sufficient to erase all the unpleasant reminiscences. When i finally come to my senses, I knew this is the end of the end and i need to ‘get going’.

She was like a damsel in distress.

Sigh, here comes another saturday.

I made sure i had my fair share of BCB before i head out with evelyn to meet with Joanna and her friends. We had a great time at the factory outlet stores at Queenspark. Nevertheless  the place wasn’t exactly how i pictured  it would be, but heck, as long as i get good bargains, doesn’t matter la but come to think of it, not really lor, to pay that amount of money for some MNG tops that were sooooo last season, not that wise.  Sheesh, anyway, i got myself a very classy tangerine top (I needed a form of motivation).

=)

=)

Besides shopping, I love reading. I miss the time where i could go to a corner and read a good book for hours and hours, without any interruption. Many may know that i absolutely love reading fiction though i’ve tried to deviate to books like, How to kill a mocking bird, Pygmalion and probably the world is flat. Heehee! (did not go very far with those books). Anyway, i will find time to start picking up reading. This is going to be my next read.

=)

=)

Won’t spoil it for you guys tho i am very tempted to copy and paste the synopsis here.

Something tells me this is going to be yet another awesome read.

I was no longer special. . .

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on April 9, 2009 by jiunnli

Me heart broke when i repeatedly say these few words to myself.

I got up from the wrong side of the bed yesterday and soon after, my whole day was completely ruined before i knew it (yeah the emo-ness has been dragged on till today). I wanted so much to understand what triggers my bad mood but i guess i can only blame myself.

Really, today in particular, i don’t exactly feel dandy nor was i excited for life. Gosh, i am hitting 22 soon and yes i reminded myself I’m only going to be 22 once. So what next! I think i am going to attempt Goth, paint my nails blue (wait, i actually had turquoise on my fingers now). Wear some really skimpy dresses to college perhaps? oh yeah oh yeah, dye my hair purple or something? Actually i had something like that on my mind except its going purple-ish brown. haha! as if robert cheong allows these. . .

Gosh, i do not feel at all special tonight but i want to be. A sudden realization hit me. Sometimes feeling special does no completely depend on your own sentiment  but rather on how those around you who truly love you make you feel. This is because they have seen ‘one-in-a-million’ in you!!=) 

. . . . .I was no longer special. That is why.

Shouldnt have stayed up for the football match later.

Should i stay back for the weekend?

Ah, movie therapy tomorrow. Something to look forward to!

Tomorrow, tomorrow, its only a day away. . . =)

Yes, one assignment down, 4 more to go for this sem!

Goodnight world!

Liverpool! liverpool! liverpool….woot!

i hope the nail fetish will go away =P

i hope the nail fetish will go away =P

Damages done.

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on March 17, 2009 by jiunnli

Past few days have been quite eventful.  Have also been feeding on high emotions lately but tonight isn’t like any other night, I suddenly cannot relate to what i am feeling inside. Been trying to figure that out the whole day. I feel altogether detached from my daily routine and i am nowhere to be found. Well, ironically,  i’ve always wanted to run away to places where I don’t have to do much explanation for the way i feel nor hold any responsible for the damages i’ve caused myself.

Damage. A change of state that results in a loss in value.

Value, the qualities that render something desirable or valueble. 

I go to God with alot of disappointments almost everyday for this season of my life. Anger wasn’t my main agenda anymore. I wasn’t very grace-filled when i decided to write this post. Alot of changes have taken place and I need to get my thinking organized. I want to acknowledge the real issues and tackle the things that could help me once and for all decide over time, when these changes should be called. . . .damages.

I am not afraid to admit this. The dissatisfaction in my heart cries out and there was no response to these desperate act. Embrace it perhaps? I hope in my mind, this does not signify a process of mimicry that is used by me to cope with the downfall. However, I have substantial reason to believe that these changes (that officially just turn into damages a couple of minutes ago) indeed caused me lots of pain, hurts and regrets but its the only pathway to something greater, bigger and more wonderful.  

No one says its going to be easy =S

Whether its done deliberately or not, meant to be or not, had to happened or not, when a damage is done, whatever that comes after that, i reckon there are certain consequences you have to live with for the rest of your life. Really, I now see you as an infliction.

Sigh, lets just hope and pray that my memory fails me or that the days of the earth have come to an end.

Nevertheless, I remind myself again, damage shouldn’t decrease the potential use that it has to offer in the future. Its how you make the best out of that damage and turn it around for your own advantage. There are no mathematical formulas nor scientific wonders. Its all in your will power and how much you surrender to God. He cleans up the mess and soon. . . .damage? what damage?=). So ,don’t exaggerate your misfortune.

Also, there is no appropriate measure for value. Our one value is in our God. This was never an assumption.

Thats all there is, there isnt anymore.

Ah, too much moscato. . .

14days or less..

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on November 5, 2008 by jiunnli

18th Nov- Marketing

19th Nov- Accounting

21st Nov- Management

28th Nov- Financial Management

Please keep me in prayers ?awesome…..thanks =)

I am lost

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on July 14, 2008 by jiunnli

 

I am depressed.

I am not feeling too well.

I am missing my parents.

I am worried but at the same time, can’t wait for my examination results this Friday.

I don’t want to go back to KL next Monday.

I don’t like to see Jared leave.

I don’t like to, hmm can’t think of anything I don’t like right now.

I can’t wait to go Aus to visit my sister and bro-in-law.

I want to see Jared again.

I want to dye my hair.

I want to feel the rain drops fall on my face.

I want to see one of my old friends again.

I feel my eyebags are getting worse.

I feel my blog is messy.

I feel I am not committed enough in my dance ministry.

I feel my 21 years of life is wasted.

I need to reduce my spending on dresses.

I need to lose some weight.

I need to learn how to cook.

I need to stop feeling that she is a bitch.

I want to see my college friends again.

I want to end my degree asap.

I want to go to Rome.

I want to stop feeling depressed.

 

Notice that, there are more ‘wants’ than ‘needs’.

Sigh, I need to find fulfillment in the things i do. God help.

Jiunnli has left the building

Posted in Joyless + Melancholy + Depressing + Pathetic on May 25, 2008 by jiunnli

My day started like any other. Stupid of me to not change my alarm from 0700 to 1000. I lie on my bed alittle longer than usual and I have this imaginary ‘to-do’ list in my head. Nope, nothing to look forward to today. Isn’t my typical Sundays mind you.

A calmness floated in the air while I try to force myself up from the bed but it disappears almost right away once I got up. I forgot. I had a bad night. I drag myself to the bathroom and stayed longer there.

As I sit on the toilet seat, I realized I have too many things on my mind these two days. I feel terrible, I feel horrible. One moment I was ok, and the next, I feel like I am drowning in a sea of cruel emotions. I did not know how to let others know of my feelings but yet desperately wanting them to know exactly how I feel.  

Tears welled up in my eyes but I refuse to let them flow.

I’ve always been the baby of the family and felt life revolves around me all the time. This behavior continues much to the annoyance to the people around me. Of course, I know this has got to stop as the imaginary crown on my head is slowly vanishing. Perhaps, it will come back if I promise to be a good princess?

The real struggle in me right now is not having what I wanted. It took me awhile to embrace this ‘syndrome’. Perhaps something I never dare to face.

I turn to my phone and dial my mum’s number. So nice to hear her assuring and gentle voice again even though it only lasted for 15 minutes. I rely a lot on the people close to me. Jared wasn’t around as he is leading worship in his church. Sister was around though but one can never get enough satisfaction through IM conversations.  

As I stare outside the window, I reminded myself to stay calm and collected and not make any dumb impulsive decisions that I will definitely regret later on. The weather was perfect today. It rained a little, and then it stops. Minutes later, it begins to rain again and before you knew it, the sun was up and shining away. It was quite fun actually. The sun accompanied me today by playing hide-and-seek and you can tell, she always wins.  

 I guess this is what life is like. It rains, it pours but the sun will eventually come out again and If you are lucky enough, you will spot a rainbow 🙂 

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